Lowered Expectations Mommy Resolutions

I used to love challenging myself with New Year’s Resolutions. They really worked for me. Year after year, I’d mentally tick off a goal and pat myself on the back for another resolution successfully completed. Since becoming a mom though, I’m less interested in personal challenges requiring more effort than say, figuring out how many pieces of chocolate I can fit into my mouth at one time while hiding behind a cabinet door so the kids don’t see me.

As I continue to adapt to motherhood so too, I realize, must my resolutions. I like the feeling of accomplishment, but I feel like I need to aim a bit lower from now on in order to set myself up to succeed. I’m hopeful that the following resolutions are ones that I can maybe, kinda, sorta accomplish.

Lowered Expectations Mommy Resolutions

1. To lose enough weight that I don’t have to unbutton my pants after a meal

You know how when you’re pregnant you hear left and right how awesome breastfeeding is for losing weight? Oh, that shit just melts right off when you’re breastfeeding. I was so excited to hear this with our first child that I gave serious thought to breastfeeding any willing baby (or funky fetishist) within a 5 mile radius after my baby weaned.

Yeah, guess what? Nope. Not me. Apparently my body doesn’t merely like to hold on to weight after birth. No. It likes to actually gain weight until baby is completely done pwning my breasts. And considering the second is breastfeeding everyday at 17 months as often as Pookie hits a crack pipe in “New Jack City”, I’m going to be stuffing myself into my “fat jeans” for a while.

I’m aiming for a two pound loss in 2015. Just enough that I don’t have to unbutton my pants after I eat a meal over a sink. (See #2 below).

2. Return to eating like a normal

It’s not that I dislike stuffing my children’s picked over and “ABC” leftovers into my pie hole. It’s that I do it over the sink. Shamefully hunched over like Quasimodo in the shadows of the bell tower. Bring me more watermelon soaked macaroni and cheese! Hey kid, you done with that chewed up piece of tofu? Give it here. Why, that’s a perfectly good morsel of avocado smashed into a pancake, I can’t let it go to waste.

Sanctuary!

I want to return to the table on a regular basis. I want to eat with my family instead of over the sink, or over pots on the stove snarling like a wildebeest as I cook and taste test.

3. Go to the bathroom alone

This really shouldn’t be a big ask, but unfortunately it is. During the best of times, I am bombarded with little fists pounding on the door yelling “Mommeh! Mommeh!” During the worst of times, I’m precariously balancing a toddler on my lap for 30 seconds.

Babywearing in the bathroom? Been there, done that. The balancing act is my preferred method versus 22 pounds on my back and a buckle around my waist to contend with. Or when babies were younger, fighting wraps with yards of flowing organic cotton intertwining with toilet paper.

I’m feeling success in 2015, people! How about you? Talk to me in the comments below. What are your Lowered Expectations Mommy Resolutions for 2015. Let’s start a trend!

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