I’m fresh off a solo trip with my adorable little toddler, Kidbe. We had a one hour plane ride each way and the two flights could not have been more different.

First flight she was all:

Second flight she was all:

During the first flight — The Exorcist Flight — I was mortified by some of her antics. There was the typical screaming, pulling on adjacent seats, kicking the seat in front of her, and spilling of my precious in-flight beverage (water from a can). She raised the bar by rocket launching her doll into the air and onto the head of the other person sitting in our row.

When we finally made it home (me exhausted), I decided to come up with 5 tips for airplane travel with toddlers to avoid any repeat occurrences that might have me once again wondering if there was a priest on the plane to perform an in-flight exorcism.

5 Tips for Airplane Travel with Toddlers

1. Do not.

2. Create an altar to whatever higher power you believe in because you’re going to need divine help. Worship at that altar for a good week before your trip. Light candles, burn incense, dance around a fire naked and sacrifice an Elmo stuffy.

3. Leave yourself enough time before boarding to have a drink. (One drink. Otherwise you may have child services waiting at your destination.) You must not have this one drink on the plane because your toddler will dump it all over you, effectively rendering you a human brewery or vineyard or distillery… and it’s a waste of alcohol too. That’s sacrilege in my book, and probably in the book of your higher power. If you did not follow tip #2 then forgo all beverages both in the airport and on the airplane. You’re screwed.

4. Creative play goes a long way. Sure, people will tell you to bring loads of toys to swap out during the flight, but my experience is that I spend more time picking them up over and over again, or as previously stated they are used as weapons against innocent passengers. A few games we played that actually helped pass the time were: Rip the Pages of the Complimentary Magazine, Pretzel Drop Down Mommy’s Shirt, Baby Performs a Digital Tonsillectomy and Confined Space Gator Wrastlin’.

5. Eliminate the concept of “vacation” from your mind and re-set expectations. There is no vacation with kids; you go on trips. Vacations happen without kids for people like us. If you’re like Beyonce and Jay Z, your vacations are champagne toasting, slow motion playing on the beach in black and white film, throwing your heads back laughing family music video affairs and you-can-suck-it-no-I’m-not-bitter.

Do you have any epic airplane travel stories? Share them in the comments below!